Walking away…

I don't want to be alone,tumblr_mcp9apabdS1rinsleo1_500
 but I also don't want to be stepped on
 it would hurt my ego if I would keep on holding on,
 I know I have to let go and move on


I am willing to set him free;
 because I am not greedy and needy
 I would like them to see;
 that I am a girl of self-respect and dignity


This is not easy,  in fact it's killing me
 but nobody seems to see; the wounded heart of me
 nobody hears, the sound of my tears
 and nobody feels, the loneliness in me.


"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction".26
 I don't want to be needy; Is this why I am feeling weary?
 I don't want to be greedy; Is this why I am feeling empty?
 I chose my dignity; Is this why I am feeling lonely?


But even-though I am feeling this way,
 I will keep on walking away
 regardless of what awaits me,
 for I no longer have a reason to stay.

_Jam26_7/1/13 

This poem was inspired by thoughts and emotions when life brings me to the situation where I would have to choose between holding on and letting go, it’s hard to figure out if it is just a trial to see how much I could give to hold on for someone I love or a sign for me to let go because god has something better for me.
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This entry was posted on July 3, 2013. 2 Comments

Tears…

imagesFor all of the hardship of life that I have been through I thought I am strong enough to jump over all the hurdles along my journey, but now, the hurdle seems so high, higher than me. How can I move forward?  How long would it stay on my way?

My surroundings seem so dark, the pain seems endless and the tears keep falling. They say that “everything happens for a reason” but I’m really having hard time finding what the reasons are…I keep on asking myself… what did I do? why me? do I really deserve this? It is so hard to listen to anybody, because all I want  is to be heard. I Tried to keep myself busy, but still each day is like a year of pain… I am trying so hard to able to go on without looking back… But every step I make seem so hard, and it’s hurting me a lot, but I know I have to deal with the pain… I will keep on crying, hoping to reach the point that I would be run out of tears. How long does it take? I don’t know… But I’m silently praying  that one of these days I will wake up with no more tears of pain…15352_20130316_231055_480002_432628373478146_221449787_n

“What ifs” no more…

“If you love someone, set him/her free. If she/he comes back, then you are meant to be!”

Set him free….

“things are indeed easier said than done”_reasons behind my actions

This is one of the hardest thing  I did, because I love the person so much… the idea that I am no longer the person that could make him happy is killing me… so I chose to set him free… but along with this decision, I can’t help but hope that he would realize how great we are together,  hope that he would eventually choose me…

HOPE… It was the source of  smiles and strength for me to stand  and be still with my decision of giving him space for himself … But as time passes by I’m missing him a lot,  I can hear my heart blaming my mind… 

_What if he is just waiting for me?

_What if he is fighting really hard for me too.

_what if he needs my help?

“This is our battle so we have to fight for our love together.” ” I’d rather do everything I can than giving up  by doing nothing at all”.

This decision made me realized that if you are letting go of someone you have to make it sure that you are ready to totally let go everything that you had together…

Kasi napakahirap umasa na ipinaglalaban ka nya… tapos malalaman mo, iba na pala ang pinaglalaban nya…:-(

I cried and suffer from so much pain but in spite of  all these, I can proudly stand and say that “I have no

574725_578866115468944_522021673_nregrets”  … It’s worth taking the risk because in the end, I wouldn’t have to ask  my self, “What if..?

Reasons behind my decision…

images (2)“Sometimes in a journey of saving the relationship we are confronted between the decision of either holding on tightly and embrace the jealousy and pain just to save the love that you have together or giving space between the two of you so you can both see the bigger picture of being apart and realize each others worth.”
I tried to think things over and over whether to continue trying to work things out with him or just let him go to let him see what or who he really wants without considering the idea that he is in a relationship.
Either way would be painful, being with him while he is going through confusion is like letting my heart be tortured by our togetherness. Seeing him spending more time at work and friends means more time “with her than me”… I could see my self being eaten by jealousy and pain which may lead to loosing myself and might just ruin my chance of winning his heart again … while setting him free is like letting go of happiness and life, (what if he never come back?) I could see myself to be like a bicycle without one wheel. I don’t know how I could move forward for he is one of the wheels of my life.
But I know that I have to make decision, I know I have to do something… so again I found myself thinking and thinking over again… and this is what I found at the back of my tired mind. Even I put him in a cage of our relationship, If he is not into me anymore, things will never be the same. Holding his hand to stay is like an act of prolonging the pain inside my heart and an act of stepping over my pride and self  respect.
Now that I’m no longer sure about my standing on his heart, now that I REASONS BEHIND MY DECISIONdon’t know which to believe, between his words and actions, I realized that setting him free is not giving up on him… It is a way of giving him freedom, by giving him a new status: “single” he could to go where he wants or who he wants without carrying the guilt baggage of being “in a relationship”… Therefore, freedom would reveal the desire of his heart.
 Having this decision, my heart got covered with so much fear and pain,… Pain of seeing a person that I wanted to be with walking away from me. Fear because he might not come back and if so, I don’t know what my life would be without him.(sounds exaggerated but that’s what I felt).
I was a strong and a very independent person before I met him… I used to plan and do everything all by myself… until he came, he thought me how to share my life and showed me the happiness out of it. But I guess I have shared so much to him, as if nothing left in me. Then I asked myself, am I still the person that he fell in love with? (I don’t know) but then I realized that if ever my  old self is gone… I have  to create a new and better one. The act of setting him free is an act of being strong, being strong to face the fears and pain of waking up everyday without him beside me. This is my way of showing self respect and dignity… and most of all, this is my way of showing that I am still strong and independent enough to leave alone again …:(
_Jam26_
This entry was posted on June 10, 2013. 1 Comment

A Novice Blogger…

a novice writerI don’t I have a degree in creative writing and my job is not related in writing, in short I am not a writer, but I just recently found myself writing a lot about my unspoken words and unexpressed feelings, because this is my way to ease the pain and to express the happiness or excitement whenever I am alone, probably because I love soliciting explanations, advices and resolutions, about things that I ponder about through reading, reading some books, articles, list of tips and people’s blogs which gives me so many reasons, motivations and inspiration to put my ideas into action, just like doing this, creating my own page to write the ideas running around my head and to share the emotions inside my heart.

I don’t know if my words would make any sense to anyone, I admit that I’m kinda hesitant and afraid of writing. afraid of criticisms regarding my choice of words and grammar, hesitant because I feel as if I don’t know what I am doing. I am afraid that someone might feel like he/she wasted his/her time reading the scratches that I bring to the table.

But then I got reminded by this quotation “Fear is nothing more than an obstacle that stands in the way of progress. In overcoming our fears we can move forward stronger and wiser within ourselves”… so here I am a novice blogger who is confronting her fear and welcoming criticism reminding herself to just enjoy writing because I know that I can only get better by trying…